I’m ready for a yes. Unfortunately, it is another no.
When we entered this adoption world, we were joining a something that was completely unknown. We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Maybe that was a good thing. We had read books, watched videos, and taken online classes.
Everyone told us about the financial decisions.
Everyone told us about the long waits.
Everyone told us about the endless paperwork.
Everyone told us that it would be hard.
No one said anything about the hard decisions we would have to make along the way. I cannot begin to describe all of the hard decisions we’ve made so far. The latest decision had to do with a potential adoption locally (as in a few states away). We could adopt this little one and continue to wait for our little girl in China. For a week now, we’ve wrestled with this decision. This little one would demand a lot of attention, possibly for the rest of his/her life. Therapy, doctor’s appointments, and lots of hours at home working on different things was going to be needed. Most of the time we were completely split 50/50. We wrestled with a lot of emotions and thoughts.
On one hand, we did not want to shy away from doing something because it might be “hard.” God calls us all to do hard things. We never want to choose the road that is easier just because it won’t be difficult. Unknowns are hard for me. Unknowns scare me and cause me to back away from a decision. God commands us to do things sometimes that have a lot of “what if’s.” God gives grace. This is little one had a lot of hard unknowns. I did not want that to be the deciding factor.
On the other hand, we have to look at our family right now. Although there are unknowns, we have things we do know. I know have three little ones. I know we are home schooling. I know we are on the waiting list for a child who could become available anytime now. All of those factors weighed very heavily in our decision.
We opted for the second choice. Although we believe with all of our hearts that God provides the grace for each situation, we had to remember where we had drawn the lines at the beginning of our adoption journey. Needs will arise constantly and it is NOT our job to meet all of those needs. If we do not meet the need, God brings someone else along to do so. We believe that with all of our hearts.
I cried a little the night we came to our conclusion. Not because we had to say no to this little one, but because I am so tired of the “no’s” our family has faced. It seems as if doors have opened left and right during this process, but we’ve had to say no so many times.
I have prayed for peace about this decision. God has granted us peace. I will take that peace, and place it as solider on a tower, guarding the city of my heart and mind. It is easy to sit and regret or walk away and wonder after making a hard decision. God’s peace is a promise to keep us from worrying whether we made the right decisions. God’s peace comes when we stop worrying and pray. That peace will stand guard and protect me from the harm of self-doubt. God’s peace moves me forward as I wait for the “yes” that I know will come.