“Belong Day” …. “Gotcha Day” …. Although many families celebrate this day as a joyful and exciting day, our family has decided to postpone that day….(come back on March 19 for a real party!) For me (and my husband) this day is full of emotions. On the first anniversary of this day, I decided to write two letters. One to myself. The other is for my daughter.
I know it hurts. I know its hard. I know the girl you were handed isn’t the girl you pictured. I know she is so different. So much weaker. And sadder then you can imagine. And so are you. I see your heart breaking and far away from your other babies. I know you feel the guilt. From choosing adoption. From choosing this hard path. You feel you did something in faith, thinking everything would be beautiful and amazing. And then it wasn’t. Not today. Today you feel broken. Lost. Alone. And abandoned. You are the orphan with no home for your heart.
I know you are faced with a decision you didn’t think you’d have to make. You want good for everyone, but it seems no one will have it. It seems the goodness and faithfulness has all but disappeared. I see it. I feel it with you. My heart is tight in my chest as I type these words because I feel the tears just below the surface of my eyes, even a year later. The day brings such heartache. You are left with nothing but “Why?” and “How?” and “What were You thinking, Lord?” I am here, to weep with you. To stand with you as you look at the floor of the hotel room in China – it holds all of the broken pieces of your dreams. I hold your hand as you sob into the lumpy pillows.
I see you clinging to TRUTH. I see you claiming things you don’t feel, or having a hard time believing. He is good. He’s got this. He planned this. He still loves you. He is your help. You hold them close to your heart, claiming them in your mind, wishing your heart would fall in line. I see the Truth hanging on to you. I know you can’t see Him. I know the shadows deepen around you. In the darkness, you can’t find His light. You hope its there, but you weep. You feel your heart will burst from the pressure. Your head aches. Your stomach turns. Your hands are shaking. You walk through the days like walking through a dream.
Let me tell you a few things about the year to come…..
You will see Him more clearly in the dark than you ever did in the light.
You will see your heart smile again.
You will grow. It will be painful, but you will grow.
God won’t abandon you. His faithfulness will be something you begin to taste in a new way.
God will heal your heart.
God will heal her heart.
You will learn to praise Him, as you walk the daily, in the valley.
You will see His goodness.
You will witness a miracle.
You will love her.
Let me tell you about the miracle that is to come. It isn’t how she will change physically. She will learn to sit, crawl, and pull up onto the couch. She will learn to chew and swallow. But it won’t be the miracle.
It won’t be in your children’s acceptance of her from the minute they laid eyes on her. They way they surrounded her with love and shower her with kisses. They will rush to her when she cries, and learn what she likes.
The miracle will be your heart (and hers). You will beg and pray for God to give you love for her. And He does. He changes your heart in ways you could have never done on your own. It is so profound how much you will fall in love with her. You cannot help but believe it is Him who has done this miracle. So HE will get the GLORY.
The growth of your love for her is the miracle. So, although this day is hard, it is the beginning of a miracle. So, although this day will be clouded by tears (hers and yours), God used those tears you cried to water the ground for a miracle.
On this day, March 9, 2015, our loving Savior planted a seed in your heart. He knew that for the seed to grow it would have to die. I know you feel as if you died a little on this day, but see the death a way for life to blossom. A new heart. A new beginning, full of love. Remember the tears. Remember the brokenness you felt, and see it as just water for the soil.
Now, rest. Rest in knowing your God is still working. Remember to live one day at a time. For in 365 days, you will awake to find your brokenness has been healed. It has been put back together in the joy and love for your daughter.
A New Momma
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