I remember the anxious whirlwind of emotions surrounding our trip to China. I felt excited and nervous. It was the same feeling I had before giving birth. The first time I gave birth I was more nervous than excited. I knew women for thousands of years had given birth, but this was my very first time. I had never felt the pain of childbirth. I didn’t know what it would be like to empty myself so fully. I was a new momma. I was scared and over the moon in love. The two feelings coincided for the first time.
On the plane to a foreign country, I doubted my mothering skills. I was a new momma all over again. More nervous than excited. I felt the relief and joy as we stepped into the Civil Affair’s office in Zhengzhou. As I reflect back on those first few moments, a few truths were missing from my heart. I knew she would be grieving. I knew it would be different and difficult. My heart held on to the hope that love was enough to cross any barriers. If you are a newly adoptive momma, I want to share some truths I was missing. If you’ve just traveled or are packing your bags, I want to send you a note of encouragement:
I want to let you know how God has already worked. God is still here. In the midst of the hustle and hurry and excitement and nerves. God is an ever present help. Always and forever. No matter what you are feeling, He’s got YOU. He sees your child. He has prepared this child for YOU. You are this child’s mommy. You are the right choice because you are GOD’S choice. From eternity He has watched this precious child and He’s always known this child is yours. From eternity. He predestined it. As you birth this child into your family, may you feel the peace of God. May you feel the joy from Christ. May the Spirit lead you to love.
I don’t know much, but I know a few things:
1. Its ok if you don’t “feel” love for them. Don’t let the guilt of feelings dictate your thoughts. Keep choosing love. Love fearlessly.
2. Its ok to feel inadequate. New moms always do. Its ok to feel like a new mom again. You are! Its normal and it passes. You will move through motions and find a rhythm. One day you will wake up and realize a new normal.
3. God loves you so much. Not because of what you’ve done, but because that’s who He is. He loves. Your worth to Him will never change. Ever.
May the God of peace be with you!