Ever feel like you aren’t enough? Do you feel unable to do it? By it I mean all of the things…..like
Do you feel like an impostor? Someone who is going to be found out that you aren’t enough? Me. Too. Moses, the man who was chosen, picked, and called out by God to do the impossible. To lead the ultimate exodus and the man who would be God’s tool for the BIGGEST redemption in all of the Bible. The picture of Christ would be portrayed in the smallest details throughout the entire ordeal. The one who would lead them to cross the Red Sea, which is the pinnacle of Israel’s entire redemption…. Moses seems to be the center of it all.
He was God’s spokesman. He was God’s friend. He was God’s pick, but even he couldn’t do it alone. Deep down, Moses only saw his inadequacies at the burning brush. He saw the pain and heartache of his past. Given up by his mother. Raised in splendor, not really fitting in with his adoptive family but not even fitting in with his birth family either. He mentions to God his most desperate faults, and God’s response is:
God didn’t tell Moses, You can do it! Or, I choose you, be confident in your calling.
God said basically. Yep. You can’t. But I AM. You see, during an adoptive mom’s retreat last weekend, the first speaker was telling us this story and she pointed out that the story wasn’t about Moses. It was about God. It was about the I AM.
So I thought about how God isn’t a player in my story, HE is MY STORY. Many times in my life I’ve stepped into the lead role in my life. It is easy to do because we make choices. We get to pick where we go to college. We get to pick who we marry and sometimes we even get to pick when and how many children we have. I have to say, there were little things about my life up until two years ago that showed me it wasn’t about me. Things happened I didn’t pick.
I didn’t pick that my grandmother would die from cancer.
I didn’t pick my uncle to die leaving behind my aunt and a 14-year old son.
I didn’t pick having three c-ections.
I didn’t pick having to stop breastfeeding after four months.
And when I didn’t pick how the adoption ran, I realized God was slowly telling me a truth.
My story really isn’t my story, it is His. When Moses questions God’s pick, He learned a truth I need to remember when I feel so inadequate.
It is not about me. The truth of it all is I’m both scared and relieved when I realize I’m not enough. I’m scared because real people (most of them little people) are relying on me to make good decisions and be a good mother.
I’m also relieved because I don’t have to be enough. God is writing my story, and I’m not at the center. If I can remember that in my daily life I would do better to stop doubting.
So in the middle of the night, while I’m laying in bed thinking how I am not equipped to parent, to serve, or to write….I remember: I AM. The story isn’t about you, or them, it is God’s. And what we know of Him….it is good.
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